Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones.
We see your pups on social media hugging other dogs, giving piggyback rides to squirrels, or helping your kids with math homework.We watch in amazement…the videos where your nine dogs sit patiently and only come forward when you whisper their names like Bob Ross painting some happy trees.
You must be very proud. And you should be. But I think I speak for most of America’s other dog owners when I say: Grrrrrrrrrrr
Like I needed one more opportunity to #EpicFail at something.
It got me thinking. Why, when I know how aggravating dogs can be, do I continue to get them?
Don’t get me wrong. I love my dogs. They’re funny, loving, and somehow both smart AND stupid at the same time. Sometimes I think Blue can read my mind.Bay predicts the weather better than James Spann.And Sister, well, she’s a blog post by herself.
But make no mistake…
They’re ALL jackasses.
We have jingle bells on the door so they can bump them with their noses when they need to go out. Here’s where the difference in WANT and NEED becomes crystal clear, because most days our house sounds like Santa crashed his sleigh into a goddamned handbell choir. Let me out. Let me in. Let me out again. And they have a knack for doing it at the exact moment my ass hits a chair. Or my eyes close. Or I breathe. It’s maddening. I’ll wager I open house more than a doorman at the Ritz-Carlton. And I know this is not news, because you’re shaking your heads in agreement right now.
Sister and Bay really love the inside-out game when it’s time to unload. It’s why I don’t call their bluff more often. Oh, they’ll sniff around outside for thirty minutes for the perfect dumping grounds, come inside, to accept my praise, and then sneak off to the living room and drop tootsie rolls. Bitches!
They play games with my attention span:
I like walking the dogs, especially in the woods where I let them loose to burn off energy. And for the most part they’re well behaved. But they’ve gotten really good at waiting for my attention to wander when still on the leash. And it is painful. One second I’m admiring a mountain overlook or some other naturey shit, and the next second one of my shoulders gets dislocated. Why? Oh, you know, they saw a squirrel five hundred yards ahead.
I honestly don’t know who hates squirrels more:
My dogs – Want to kill, then play with the carcass for a few days before finally eating it (of course, puking it up in the middle of the night.)
Me – Wants to punt the little bastards over a cliff for waiting to run across a path until we’re inches away.
Hikes really shouldn’t require so much cursing.
I hate to break it to you, but that old story about dog mouths being cleaner than human mouths is BS. Google it.
I imagine dogs get tired of eating the same food every day. Who wouldn’t? What I don’t get is why they’re so picky about actual dog food. Why does a dog turn his nose up to THIS food, then THAT food, and another. Yet, if I drop food on the kitchen floor they’ll inhale it before they even see what it is. Bread? Gone. Meat? Gone Food past the expiration date? Straight down the gullet. Which brings me to the really disgusting part.
When they’re out in the world and sure nobody’s watching, they’ll gobble up another dog’s brown with the transcendent joy of kids in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. They don’t care if it’s still steaming or petrified, it’s all good. And they know they shouldn’t, because every time I catch them and start fussing, they wolf it down even faster.
You know, in case I wanted them to share 🙄. Hell, at the end of the post, I put a link to a study about it.
But after all this ranting, you and I both know the truth:
-I wish I was better at training dogs.
-I’m jealous of others who ARE good at it.
-So are you.
Feel free to share some of your stories/dog pics in the comments.
Oh, and here’s the Dookie-4-Dinner study:
2 thoughts on “Man’s Best Friend or Four-legged Jackasses?”
So true, all of it! Very funny sir!
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You crack me up!! My dog is also an asshole and broke my pinky finger this year while pulling on his leash!!
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