Donnie and Kim: A Forbidden Love Story

History is about to be made with the first meeting of the dictator of North Korea and the President of the United States in 65 years. Some high hopes are pinned on this. Not long ago they were beating their chests and trading insults. Dotard. Rocket Boy. But their attraction could not be denied any longer. Not even the surprise arrival of Dennis Rodman can cock block this date.

There’s so much riding on a successful meeting. Potential for denuclearization of the DPRK. Humanitarian aid for people who really need it. A possible 2-LP live album and world tour. With the right attitudes and ideas, much could go right.

But it got me thinking. This baby could go so wrong in so many ways! Here are a few missteps that I see as entirely possible:


Trump: You look pretty healthy, yet your people are starving. What happened? Did you eat it all?

Kim J: You have insulted me. We must settle this in combat.


Due to misinterpretations of US headlines regarding US customs, after shaking Trump’s hand, Kim J turns to Melania and grabs her by the 🐈.


During a ceremonial lunch with yuge buckets of KFC, Kim J offers Trump a soda. As he takes a sip, Kim and friends all burst into laughter.

Kim J: Our Chinese pals taught us a joke.

Trump: Aaaand?

Kim J: We put pee pee in your Coke.

Trump: You must not read the fake news. A little pee doesn’t scare me. Believe me.


Kim J: I will dispose of our entire nuclear arsenal IF you send the Kardashian women to become my personal servants.

Trump: Interesting. What about Kanye?

Kim J: Naaaah – that bitch is crazy. You can keep him.

Trump: No deal.


Trump: My advisors tell me that congratulations are in order. How have you lost 30lbs while eating only yuge Honeybaked Hams?

Advisor whispers in Trumps ear.

Trump: Sorry. Apparently you’ve GAINED 30 lbs and I wasn’t supposed to mention that you’re YUGE or your head looks like a Honeybaked Ham.


Trump: You have weird hair. Did Stevie Wonder cut it? Looks like it’s made of black plastic and polished with Valvoline.

Kim J: Suck it, Drumpf. Yours looks like a Swiffer used to clean up a beauty salon.


Trump: I’ve heard rumors for years but I figure you can set the record straight. Do Asian women really have sideways vaginas?

Kim J: I could tell you, but you need to see for yourself. Let’s find out together.

Trump: Oh, your mom is here? No thanks.


Kim J: I hear you want to build a wall. Maybe you should start with one to hold back your massive gut.

Trump: Wrong, doughboy. Try again.

Kim J: Or you could build it around your Twitter app. Hahahahahahaha.


I could do this all day. Let’s hope they don’t. For all our sakes.


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