I think I can speak for all Americans when I say “Please get this shit over with!” Can you remember a more venomous election cycle? Join the club.
Every day, news channels broadcast the carnage, as candidates and supporters alike bare fangs and hurl insults. “Hillary eats children!” or “Trump patented the bowling ball handshake for meeting hot women!” Welcome to the Shit Show, America!.
One common emotion I see entwined in our collective angst, is disappointment. Over and over I hear, “How did we end up with these two? This is the best we’ve got? Neither one of them should be President!”
It got me thinking. If so many people don’t like Hillary or Trump for the Oval Office, what jobs could they do? Based on what we know about their personalities, or at least what we read and hear, these would be fitting career choices for Trumpkins and Hilldegard.
Flasher: Granted it doesn’t pay much, well, anything, but you have to admit there’s something “trench coaty” about the guy. I can totally picture him sneaking around New Jersey gas stations, popping open his Burberry coat and screaming “IT’S YUUUUUGE!” while wiggling his shriveled Anthony Weiner. And now you can picture it too. You’re welcome.
Strip Club Mogul: Can’t you see him there, in the dimly lit, club’s back office…Sitting behind the desk, drinking Scotch and counting out greasy dollar bills, then taking a break to pat the ass of the stripper in his lap.
Blackjack Dealer: What better place for someone with such beautiful hands than Vegas, Baby! With Trump’s love for casinos, he and a set of giant pinky rings would fit perfectly behind the $5 minimum table at Golden Nugget or Tropicana.
Border Patrol Guard: He’d be the perfect secret weapon to defend our southern border. First, he would blend in to the Arizona desert with his orange stage makeup. Surprise, beeetchez! Second, he would scan everyone trying to sneak in, but would only allow hot Latinas to continue.
Warden: Who better to manage the most deplorable of deplorables? Hillshank Prison would be the crown jewel of the penitentiary system, with low expenses and zero inmate complaints, due to the unfortunate accidents of the first few to cry out for better treatment. If I was a guesser, her nameplate would say Overlord.
Lunch lady: Not the sweet one who lets you have extra chocolate milk, she’d be the one who ignores your request for no peas & carrots, and instead gives you EXTRA right on top of your grilled cheese.
Dog catcher: With all the speculation about her health, I can’t imagine her actually running after dogs without breaking her ass. In fairness, though, Trump would have a heart attack after three blocks. My guess is she’d shock the shit out of our 4-legged friends with a Pet-Taser, toss them in the truck, and eat the tasty looking ones.
Cartel Boss: Whisper her name in an empty room, and it could lead to a gruesome end…La Muerte Blanca! Yes, the name White Death would serve as her crime lord nickname and also symbolize her Colombian cocaine empire. I smell a Hollywood blockbuster!
No, wait. That’s not Hollywood I smell. Someone must have stepped in dog shit…which brings us full-circle back to the election.
Can America get a do-over? Is there a reset button somewhere? Where’s an Atari 2600 when we need one?
Did I miss some? Comment with jobs you can see them doing!
haynestown 