haynestown

They say misery loves company. They say that hindsight’s 20/20. They say I’m probably off my meds. Frankly, they say a lot of shit.

One thing I do know is that laughter loves company too. At a business meeting with my friend, Spencer, my ADD kicked in and got us waaay off track. We talked about TV, how it was full of of the same-old stuff, and what we would do to make it more interesting. For your consideration, here are our ideas for the Fall Sweeps season:

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The Walking Dead. Fear the Walking Dead. The Jogging Dead. Just when you think the zombie genre has flat-lined, somehow it claws its way out of the grave.So in true undead fashion, let’s dig up a show from the bone yard and toss this salad with style! New this season, be sure to catch:

Queer Eye for the Dead Guy

Those other zombies stagger around in filthy, shredded clothes. Not this gang! These bad boys have Matchstick jeans, Messengers Bags, and smell just divine. Did you see the abs on the tall one? ERMAGHERD! He was so ripped, you won’t notice you could also see his liver.

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2016 will be known as the year it boiled over. Racial tensions are high due to much publicized incidents between citizens and police. Lives have been lost and that’s no joking matter, but that doesn’t mean that ideas bringing us together can’t be fun, right? Let’s look to our past, way back to 1967, and let Sidney Poitier help heal our future. Don’t miss the remake of:

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, Mother Fucker!

Samuel L. Jackson and Julia Louis-Dreyfus play a new couple in love, heading to the Hamptons to meet her family. Clint Eastwood and Helen Mirren round out the all-star cast of whiteys. Not sure what’s for dinner, but you can bet there will be a lot of Gott-Damned laughs! Tune in if you feel lucky. Well, do ya’, punk?

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Kim Kardashian. Kanye. All the other sisters that start with a K. It’s hard to go five minutes and not see their names flash on a screen, and I’m sick of it. You know some other names I’m sick of hearing? Clinton and Trump. Just get this shit over already. We hear them talking all the time and nobody really knows who they are when the cameras are off. Well, that shit’s about to change.

Keeping up with the Candidates Swap

In a reality show mash-up of 24 hour cameras and the short-lived show, Wife-Swap, The Donald will be moving in with Hillary, Chelsea, and her crew. Once the Pres-to-Be’s get the passion cooking, their colliding flab will cause a cloud of Gold Bond dust big enough to block out the sun. Bill, on the other hand, will be in horny-old man heaven. Burning through Clinton Foundation money like rappers in a strip club, he’ll be spending the autumn months with Melania, Ivanka, and Tiffany. Sure, Trump’s sons will be there too, but Blue-Pill Billy will have them so busy washing bed linens and mopping floors, they won’t have time to cause trouble.

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We’ll even have something for the kids! Every parent from the last decade spent a fortune on Baby Einstein, Baby Mozart, Baby Galileo. What a cash grab that was…like parking our kids in front of cheap hand puppets and classical music was going to have them doing calculus by age 7.

But not every parent wants their kid to be a genius. “All that book learnin’ shit is for sissies!” So if you’re one of those who prefers to aim low, plant their little asses in front of the TV for hours of:

Baby Skynyrd

A truly engaging series of beer commercials, hunting shows, and Hooters ads, and they’re all set to a medley of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s biggest hits! By the time your little moron makes it to school in Sweet Home Alabama, he’ll self-identify as Freebird.

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Have an idea for Fall Sweeps? Chime in!