Err’body been talkin’ about the Presidential debates! It’s been trending every day this week on social media, with all sorts of secrets and “insider info”: She got the questions ahead of time. He wrote the questions! She had an earpiece. He sharted! It never ends. And the next debate is only a few days away!
It got me thinking. What if we could up the stakes next time? Since this election’s already been called a circus, why not make it more like today’s entertainment…like reality TV?
Naked and Afraid
Hillary and Trump are constantly accusing each other of hiding something. His small hands – small 🍆. Her pantsuits cover a Foley catheter. Who wants to keep listening to this shit? The country has more important things to worry about, so let’s get it all out in the open and put the rumors to rest.
I vote they show up to the next debate naked! No underwear…No spanx…Just some Ben Gay pain cream and a heavy dusting of Gold Bond powder downstairs. Let’s see what color Trump really is, because the Arizona orange makeup he wears certainly ain’t it. And if they’re both in as great of physical shape as they claim, they shouldn’t mind showing off the goods. Our retinas may be irreversibly damaged, but at least we’ll know the truth. And speaking of truth…
The Maury Povich Polygraph Podium
Politicians have been known to lie. A lot. Evidently it’s in the job description. But what if we could spot these fallacies and fabrications in real time?
Cops use lie-detector tests to catch people every day. Why not hook our candidates up to a polygraph and Bluetooth that shit to podiums that glow when they lie? Who needs fact checkers, when make-believe answers light up like a Christmas tree of truth?
Shark Tank
TV billionaires. Vampire Entrepreneurs. Whatever you call them, the judges are great at recognizing money-making opportunities and even better at calling out weak ideas.
What if Trump and Hillary had to sell their major economic policies to the panel? Would they pass the smell test? How quickly would some of their popular ideas get bounced for being revenue black holes? I’d Pay-Per-View that quicker than a Scarlett-Charlize sex tape!
Who am I kidding? I’d buy both and Tivo the Shark Tank thing for later.
The Amazing Race
At times, both candidates like to pretend they’re dialed in to other races, ethnicities and world events. To hear them tell it, dinner at their houses look like U.N. cocktail parties.
I’m not buying that shit and most Americans aren’t either. So I propose a Family Feud-style lightning round with Steve Harvey asking rapid fire questions like these:
– Name three Black actors besides Denzel Washington?
– If you visited India, what language would most people speak?
– What’s the average annual household income in Mexico?
The answers, or awkward silence where answers are supposed to be, would be very telling.
Who Wants to Be an American Idol
Both candidates are ramping up the TV ads and town hall appearances in the race to election day. How energized are the party bases? Will voters show up? Who will write in Tim Haynes and the ‘Murican Party instead?
I have some ideas that just might fight the bill. If a candidate struggles to answer during the debate, let’s ask the audience! Just vote on the seat back keypads and decide who deserves a tax break. Can’t remember what was said about immigration ten years ago at a Kiwanis club meeting? Use a lifeline and Phone-a-Friend!
Or…you know what…Screw it! Let the people choose now! Call in during the debates and vote, right on your phones. Press 6 for Clinton or 9 for Trump…because either way, half the country is going to be sucking it for the next four years.
Did I miss any? Throw in your two cents in the comment box below. It’s tax deductible.
haynestown 