“I don’t know how to play the singles game again. Do you know any good guys? All the ones I meet are douches.”
I hear this a lot from my single female friends.
Of course, there are the obvious things that keep women looking elsewhere…unibrows, assault-by-cologne, open-mouth chewing, and death-breath. But these things can be corrected, right? A few snips here, some industrial mouthwash there, and you’ve polished that turd into gold! Well, maybe not gooold. Brass?
Unfortunately, there’s no magic fountain that spews forth perfect guys. And since I’m not in the “man hunting” business, I can’t point you to any good ones. But now that I’m a lot older and a little wiser, I can at least point out guys who should wear shirts that warn “Do Not Touch”. We’ll focus on two things here – THE THREAT and THE EXIT STRATEGY
He arrives early for your date, so you invite him in for a beer while you finish getting ready (and no…you’re NEVER, EVER ready.) “You’ve redecorated. Love the new furniture,” he says. “Thanks,” you call out as you put on your
earrings. At least he has good taste, you think…And then the hair on the back of your neck stands up, because you remember this is a first date.
Your best bet is to stop in the bathroom on the way out, leave the door open so he can see you, aim as best you can, and pee standing up. If he doesn’t leave on his own, call the police.
Flowers, For Me?
He greets you at the door with a dazzling smile and a bouquet of your favorite flowers! How did he know?
Be still, your beating heart and all that shit. But trust me, it’s not love pounding in your chest; it’s your fight-or-flight response, as you realize flowers haven’t come up in any of your conversations. How did he know? Didn’t you post it on Pinterest a few years ago?
Excuse yourself to put the flowers in some water. While you’re in the kitchen, slip a knife in your purse.
A few dates in, and things are progressing. You slip into something more comfortable, sneak back into the room unnoticed, and there he is…doing weird stuff like eating the hair from your brush, or smelling your sweaty socks. And not just smelling them, but SMELLING them. Ohhhhhhh.
Tiptoe back out of the room and go take the loudest, third-world-country shit you can manage. Tell him you’re not feeling well (which hopefully he heard), and call it a night. Never contact him again.
No pic for this one, and you’re welcome When I Googled “fetish guy”, some really disturbing stuff came up and now I can’t unsee it.
Worth a Thousand Words
He has a collage of pictures of you! How sweet…until you notice some of them are from before you met. You at the grocery store. Another one of you, downing a hot dog at the ballpark. And there’s one of you, through the Pure Barre window! Yikes!
Ask to use the restroom, like NOW, and pray to God there’s a window in there you can escape through.
If you’ve ignored all these red flags, caution signs, and flashing lights, and still choose to keep your foot on the gas, you’re beyond any help or advice I can give. But here’s a preview of what he’ll be whispering in your ear later:
“It rubs the lotion onto its skin, or else it gets the hose again!”
And if you don’t get the Silence of the Lambs reference, don’t worry. You’re about to.
Have a horrible date story? Let’s hear it!