haynestown

When I woke up today, I was greeted by tight knees, aching thumbs, and a neck that felt welded in place. I also had strange craving for stewed prunes and strong black coffee. What the hell is going on? 

Oh yeah, I just turned 50.

It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything and thought it might be fun to share fifty things I’ve learned in as many years. But who has time to read that shit? Have I even learned fifty things? I doubt it. I’d have to Google some, and when I did I noticed every other person with a blog did the fifty list already. So that’s out. I’m a lot of things, but copycat isn’t one of them. Plus, if people were good at taking my advice, the McRib sandwich would’ve never made a second appearance.

But it got me thinking. Are there at least a few things worth sharing I’ve experienced on the journey? Did I learn anything that may be of use to the youngsters? See, I’m already doing it .

Here’s a handful. You be the judge:

-Never knock twice in a truck-stop bathroom stall if there’s a hole in the divider. Even as a joke. Regardless of what you’ve heard it called, NOTHING glorious will come through that hole. I mean 20 bucks is 20 bucks, but sometimes it’s just not worth it.

-At least once, own a dog. They’re happy to see you when you get home, even if you only went to the mailbox. And in the process of training them, you’ll learn a lot about yourself…Mainly your tolerance for cleaning up pee pee poo poo.

-It’s never a good idea to ask a woman when the baby’s due, unless you helped make said baby. Even if she’s in line at Babies-R-Us wearing maternity clothes, buying a stroller and looks to be in her 14th trimester, just don’t ask. Unpopular opinion here, but I’ve always thought this is a bullshit rule. If I’m in Home Depot in paint-stained clothes with a cart full of paint, I shouldn’t act offended if you ask me what color I chose. So if you look like you’re pregnant…

-If you’re at a big party alone and want to change that, don’t waste your time chasing after the perfect 10 all night…especially if you have morning meetings.

Aim low. Go ugly early.

She’s probably thinking the same thing and let’s be honest, you’re probably overestimating your own number. You handle each other’s business, get a good night’s sleep, and be ready to go the next day.

-Not trying to be preachy, but Social Media is slowly morphing into SkyNet from The Terminator. It won’t happen as quickly as a supercomputer that launched nukes to kill the humans, but it’s destroying us just the same…one TikTok at a time. Sometimes I get stuck in a loop of that shit and I can feel my DNA uncoiling. Before this is over, people will be taking the cliff-jump challenge and using selfie sticks to document their last seconds of life. On top of that, our devices listen to us all the time and log our searches to curate ads and manipulate our behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if the car warranty robocalls aren’t just a trick to get us to pick up our phones. Sure, we ignore the call, but maybe we burn another 15 minutes seeing ads while on Instagram or Snapchat or KnittersClub.

-Learn to do quick math in your head. Otherwise, you’ll get shafted every time you go to the store. For example: You can buy 68.2 oz of dog food for $5.83 or go bigger with 2 lbs plus Avogadro’s number divided by the sound of blue light for $7.18. Which is the better deal? Who the hell knows, but I KNOW they do that shit on purpose.

-Don’t go through life holding the door for people and then get pissed off when they don’t say thanks. This one’s not that deep: Either hold it or don’t.

-Always keep $100 emergency cash tucked in your wallet. The car will inevitably not start in an area with no signal and the tow-truck driver won’t take credit cards. How do you think I learned the lesson about the truck-stop bathroom anyway?

That’s it. Now get off my lawn!!!