In seven days a fleet of U-Haul trucks will be backing up the White House. Depending on what side of the aisle you’re on, it’s being celebrated either as the second coming or lamented as the arrival of the antichrist. Where all that shit is going to land is anybody’s guess, but the changes are a comin’.
It got me thinking. When the Trump train pulls up to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, what kinds of things are going to change behind the White House walls? Here are my best guesses at what the Donald is going to remodel in his first 100 days.
Given the way things have gone down, Trump will probably assume that Joe B and Obama pissed all over the toilet seats on the way out. Hell, Barack probably even snuck Hillary in so she could take some upper deckers or maybe dry dock a few #2’s. So on day one, DJT will be calling the guys at Kohler’s Regal division.
Nothing but the best for billionaire butts. And he’ll have a little passive-aggressive fun with custom printed toilet paper. Ahhh, revenge with every swipe.
Sadly for Donald, Trump Steaks can’t be on the menu. But don’t let the suit and tie fool you. He likes regular food just like everyday ‘Muricans! You’d think he’d be putting in a McDonalds as an homage to himself, but no. He’s decided to mix his love of food with his other great love…ladies. That’s right America, the White House dining room is getting a Hooters!!!
What better way to relieve stress than with some spicy wings and a cold beer delivered by a 22-year-old. And as an added bonus, the nuclear orange wing sauce matches his TV makeup and even the Hooter girls’ shorts. What a win win! It won’t show sauce smeared on his face, or if he decides to grab asses, there’s no evidence on their Daisy Duke’s!
Secret Service Equality
Ever notice how most Secret Service agents are mostly intense, Jason-Bourne looking men? They all look alike with their chiseled jaws, dark suits and dark shades. Well Trump is about to change all of that in a couple of ways.
Once again, showing how much he believes in girl power, he’s hired top Victoria’s Secret models to watch his back. They’re getting hand to hand combat training, sexy pistol-posing lessons, and makeup tips from Melania! And speaking of Melania, he wants to make sure she isn’t surrounded by macho men either. He’ll replace her detail with some well-vetted feminist protesters. That way he can stay focused on work, and not worry about her climbing onto someone else’s yuuuge Air Force One.
Art Imitates Life
Washington, Lincoln, pfft. As it is now, you can practically smell the musty powdered wigs of our founding fathers. What the White House hallways need are some fresh art to bring things into the modern day. And he has just the thing.
“Don’t I look nice?”
“Don’t I look naughty?”
Cut the Grass!
Sadly, I don’t mean the trademark comb-over atop his head. I mean real grass. Trump loves casinos, especially when they have golf courses attached to them. So the last big project to tackle in the first few months is sprucing up the yard. Not only are there plans to turn the South lawn into a 9-hole par three course…
…but he wants man up the gardens a little bit. Enough of that presidential rose garden shit…I mean, he’s not Martha Stewart. The Donald was thinking of something that reflects power and machismo, without being too obvious.
What do you think will change? Let us know, but please keep it light/funny. God knows there’s enough partisan venom sprayed around these days.