If I was a year, I’d hate to be 2017. So much pressure to perform! So much riding on my shoulders to be better than the last guy.
Admittedly, this won’t be a high bar to clear. With the turmoil and tears around the elections, and the many personalities we lost…2016, as years go, was a COLOSSAL DOUCHE.
So we’re all looking for the reset button, starting today. Nearly everyone I know is making changes in the new year. Less this. More that. Start shit. Drop fat. And they mean it this time!
We all do, don’t we? We’re great at making resolutions, but sticking to them seems to be the problem. Statistics show nearly half throw in the towel and are smoking crack again (or whatever we swore off) within a month.
So how do we fix it? Can we get better, or are we doomed to perish in a Chinese buffet line? I believe we can, and the secret is:
Lower the bar.
You read that right – AIM LOW.
I’m kidding and I’m not. Little victories start momentum. They build confidence and before you know it you’re barreling down the path to enlightenment. Or six pack abs. Or whatever. Making a leap to Salad City after years of residence in the Pancake Palace is setting you up for disappointment.
It got me thinking. How am I going to improve this year? What baby bites am I going to take in order to get harder, better, faster, stronger?
Stop Dating Actresses
Sure, they’re talented and gorgeous. And yes, many of them “woke up like this”.
But it’s too much work! Sitting at the table next to them so the paparazzi won’t go crazy…following their limos in my inconspicuous delivery van…writing my love letters in clipped-out magazine words. It’s exhausting! Love shouldn’t be this much work.
As painful as it is, I’m confident I’ll be able to maintain this resolution in 2017.
Dress to Impress
As fashion goes, I’ve always I lived by two rules: Fit in. Blend in. But as the saying goes, if you always do what you’ve always done…
In ’17 I’m breaking the mold! Matchstick jeans. Check. Hipster headwear. Check. Scarves whether it’s cold outside or not. Double check. Here are some looks I’m considering this year:
Stop Twerking
Ahhh, the modern-day Macarena? Isn’t it fun, as the Ying Yang Twins so eloquently put it, to “Shake it like a salt shaker?”
Done correctly, it’s mystifying…hypnotic, even. But I have to stop. I’m not allowed back in Hardee’s or Home Depot because of it. Yes, 2017 will be the year of quiet hips. Sorry folks.
No Moderation
Eat in moderation. Drink in moderation. Pffft. Moderation is for people who can’t commit!
It’s no coincidence that it starts with the same letter as mediocre, so this year I’m either going full speed or no speed at all. Pizza? Sure, and for all three meals of the day! Saving money? No problem. Going days, even weeks, without spending a dime will be a cinch – especially when I don’t have any.
Have a New Year’s Resolution you want to share? Put it in the comments section below to add some accountability. We’ll support your progress, or publicly shame you on your mattress of empty ice cream tubs.
haynestown 