haynestown

Before I get into the meat of things, I wanted to say thanks to my readers. Without you, I might as well be shouting into an empty basement. I also wanted to thank a fellow blogger who gave me my first shout out in her article “Murder Porn, Big Brother, and the Runaway Blimp”. Thanks Hot Flash Suzi!   

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

I stare at my phone about as much as the next person and way more than I should. But sometimes, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and all the other mind numbing apps just don’t cut it. Sometimes…even scrolling takes too much effort. Sometimes…I need to just vegg out, old school. Hello TV!

And after clicking through 134 channels of uninteresting shit, I remember why they developed all the apps.

It got me thinking. If I was the television wizard, here are four things I would make disappear (or at least shrink) from my TV’s diet:

1. When was the last time you watched TV without dozens of insurance commercials? I get nauseated every time Flo and her damned discounts flash on the screen. And I’d be thrilled if the Mayhem man shoved Jake from State Farm (in his red shirt and khakis) through a wood chipper.

Look, I get it. Airtime isn’t free and someone has to sponsor it. But do you ever wonder why insurance is so expensive? It’s because advertising is even moro expensivo (not real Spanish). I swear they run more ads than Taco Bell and pharma companies combined. I think I speak for all Americans when I ask “Could you guys skip a few bowl game commercials and give us a break on premiums instead?”

2. Why do we need to save money? Well, according to William Devane (from the 80’s hit series Knots Landing), we all need to buy gold! And we need to buy it from Rosland Capital. Because who knows what will happen with the stock market.

Ignore the fact that gold, while less volatile, still trades on the commodities market and fluctuates every day. Be sure to call and get your investor kit. Forgot the number? Don’t worry, they’ll run another commercial every fifteen minutes for the next forty years. Because it’s gooooold, bitches!

3. How often do you think about vacuuming? Once a month? Once a week? Well if you’re trapped in the cable TV wasteland between Comedy Channel and Telemundo, then the Shark Vac Corporation will make sure you think about it every damned day! God help you if you fall asleep and roll over on the remote. They’ll scream straight into your dreams with that shit. Amps. Accessories. To steam or not to steam.

Listen guys. I like a clean carpet as much as anybody, but unless you come up with an attachement that looks and works like Scarlett Johansson, I don’t need to order it at 2 am.

4. Get lean! Get fit! Move that fat ass, ya’ fat-assed Fatty! Just once I wish one of the P90X Insane Butt Lift people would drop dead during the taping. That’s what they’d deserve for running that shit three hours straight on a Sunday morning, when real Americans are sleeping off hangovers, getting ready for church, or both.

I’ll admit that sassy Shaun T and his horde of exer-zombies can be inspiring. They make me want to get up, to do something different; different like Rocky Road instead of Butter Pecan. If they could only figure out a way to let me burn calories while I watch them work out, I’ll be the first to sign up.

What’d I forget? Something on TV you’d like to delete? Join the revolution and comment!

Also, here’s a link to Suzi’s blog. Check it out!

https://suzianderson.com/2016/10/28/murder-porn-big-brother-the-runaway-blimp/